I know, I know. Earth Day 2009 has long passed, having been celebrated by the Tree Huggers in the United States on April 22nd. Believers in the New World Order celebrated Earth Day with the rest of the United Nations on the vernal equinox, March 20th of this year.
We Paid How Much for This Cheezy Logo?
But for those of you who believe in the inerrant Word of God or Whomever, today is Earth Day, more or less. According to the Bible the earth is 6,013 years old today—October 24th, 2009. Or was it yesterday, or maybe tomorrow? Biblical scholars can’t seem to agree on the exact time, date, or even year of Creation but they’ve all come so close that, what the hell, what’s a few years one way or another. Their research and sources for this information are, of course, faultless and we’re sure the differences result from minor matters of interpretation and, of course, the sinister red herrings regularly thrown in by Godless scientists.
Most Judeo-Christian fundamentalists seem to agree that the earth was created in about the year 4004 BCE. They cite the ever-authoritative Old Testament to support their calculations. The Koran takes a somewhat more liberal (!!!) position, making no claims as to the exact year of creation.
Christian apologists John Lightfoot and Bishop Ussher seem to agree that the earth was created sometime during the evening of October 23. Ussher nailed it down to 4004 BCE, stealing liberally from other scholars and apparently ignoring evidence to the contrary. Lightfoot got a little confused about the Julian calendar (and apparently a lot of other things) and calculated the earth’s birth year as 3929 BCE.
But both seem to agree that the earth was created sometime during the evening of October 23th, or maybe it was the 24th or the 25th. So we’ll ignore the precise year and just take the average of the dates.
Why is all this important? Well, according to the Gallup Poll, 47% of you believe the earth was created by God less than 10,000 years ago and that he managed to pull it off in just seven days (or six; the Bible is not entirely clear on this).
And if you believe this shit, you’ve also got to believe that the end is near. For one or two thousand years the Bible and the Koran have predicted that Jesus and Muhammad are coming soon to judge the quick and the dead. When? Well we have it on good authority (the Mayans) that the Apocalypse is just around the corner: December 21, 2012. And if you can’t trust the Mayans to keep an accurate calendar, who can you trust? The Bible, Jesus, Paul, the Apostles, and generations of religionists have missed the mark by centuries if not millenia. (Even Jesus himself said “Verily I say unto you, That there be some that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.”) Either there’s someone in that crowd who’s lived a long time or Jesus managed to miss the mark by a couple of millenia. So much for omniscience.
So what does all this mean to you, the True Believer? Or, for that matter, the non-believers. Looks like we’re all going to die in the next few years anyway. Most of us will fry, a select few will get front row seats to the agonies of the non-believers. But we all can prepare for the big event. Here are a few helpful suggestions.
Preparing for the Apocalypse
Max out your credit cards
Cancel Your Cowboys Season Tickets
Bet Big on the Lions
Don’t Bother Cleaning the Septic Tank
Celebrate Christmas 2012 a Week or Two Early
Forget About Trans-fats and All That Shit
Give Up Jogging – You Know You’ve Always Loathed It
Give Mexican Speedballs a Try
Cruise the Adult Section on Craig’s List – (You’ll be dead long before AIDS catches up with you)
Let Your Spouse Know How You Really Feel
This entry was posted on Saturday, October 24th, 2009 at 1:54 PM and is filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Happy Earth Day 2009 – Only Three More to Go!
I know, I know. Earth Day 2009 has long passed, having been celebrated by the Tree Huggers in the United States on April 22nd. Believers in the New World Order celebrated Earth Day with the rest of the United Nations on the vernal equinox, March 20th of this year.
We Paid How Much for This Cheezy Logo?
But for those of you who believe in the inerrant Word of God or Whomever, today is Earth Day, more or less. According to the Bible the earth is 6,013 years old today—October 24th, 2009. Or was it yesterday, or maybe tomorrow? Biblical scholars can’t seem to agree on the exact time, date, or even year of Creation but they’ve all come so close that, what the hell, what’s a few years one way or another. Their research and sources for this information are, of course, faultless and we’re sure the differences result from minor matters of interpretation and, of course, the sinister red herrings regularly thrown in by Godless scientists.
Most Judeo-Christian fundamentalists seem to agree that the earth was created in about the year 4004 BCE. They cite the ever-authoritative Old Testament to support their calculations. The Koran takes a somewhat more liberal (!!!) position, making no claims as to the exact year of creation.
Christian apologists John Lightfoot and Bishop Ussher seem to agree that the earth was created sometime during the evening of October 23. Ussher nailed it down to 4004 BCE, stealing liberally from other scholars and apparently ignoring evidence to the contrary. Lightfoot got a little confused about the Julian calendar (and apparently a lot of other things) and calculated the earth’s birth year as 3929 BCE.
But both seem to agree that the earth was created sometime during the evening of October 23th, or maybe it was the 24th or the 25th. So we’ll ignore the precise year and just take the average of the dates.
Why is all this important? Well, according to the Gallup Poll, 47% of you believe the earth was created by God less than 10,000 years ago and that he managed to pull it off in just seven days (or six; the Bible is not entirely clear on this).
And if you believe this shit, you’ve also got to believe that the end is near. For one or two thousand years the Bible and the Koran have predicted that Jesus and Muhammad are coming soon to judge the quick and the dead. When? Well we have it on good authority (the Mayans) that the Apocalypse is just around the corner: December 21, 2012. And if you can’t trust the Mayans to keep an accurate calendar, who can you trust? The Bible, Jesus, Paul, the Apostles, and generations of religionists have missed the mark by centuries if not millenia. (Even Jesus himself said “Verily I say unto you, That there be some that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.”) Either there’s someone in that crowd who’s lived a long time or Jesus managed to miss the mark by a couple of millenia. So much for omniscience.
So what does all this mean to you, the True Believer? Or, for that matter, the non-believers. Looks like we’re all going to die in the next few years anyway. Most of us will fry, a select few will get front row seats to the agonies of the non-believers. But we all can prepare for the big event. Here are a few helpful suggestions.
Preparing for the Apocalypse
Max out your credit cards
Cancel Your Cowboys Season Tickets
Bet Big on the Lions
Don’t Bother Cleaning the Septic Tank
Celebrate Christmas 2012 a Week or Two Early
Forget About Trans-fats and All That Shit
Give Up Jogging – You Know You’ve Always Loathed It
Give Mexican Speedballs a Try
Cruise the Adult Section on Craig’s List – (You’ll be dead long before AIDS catches up with you)
Let Your Spouse Know How You Really Feel
Like this:
This entry was posted on Saturday, October 24th, 2009 at 1:54 PM and is filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.