Pilfering Communion

Rep. Patrick Kennedy

Roman Catholic Bishop Thomas Tobin has barred Rep. Patrick Kennedy (son of the late Sen Edward Kennedy) from receiving communion because of his support of abortion rights.

Bishop Tobin

Tobin can prevent Kennedy from receiving communion within his diocese, which covers Rhode Island. It’s unclear whether this action by Bishop Tobin would would also exclude Rep. Kennedy from receiving communion in another diocese.

This festouche has been brewing for a few years. Back in 2007, Bishop Tobin wrote Kennedy, advising that:

“In light of the Church’s clear teaching, and your consistent actions, therefore, I believe it is inappropriate for you to be receiving Holy Communion and I now ask respectfully that you refrain from doing so.”

Tobin’s ire stems from Kennedy’s “consistent actions” which apparently have been his recent votes to continue supporting abortion rights.

A man, believed to be Rep. Kennedy in disguise, sneaks into communion at St. Bartholomew's

Rep. Kennedy faces a dilemma: condemned to everlasting fires of hell if he fails to partake in communion; condemned to the everlasting fires of hell if he does take communion. What’s a believer to do?

For someone as cunning as a congressman, this is easy. Who holds the trump card here? God or Bishop Tobin? Bishop Tobin will be dead in a decade or two anyway. But God?—well, he’s pretty much eternal. So, if the good congressman believes in God then he’d best fear Him more than he fears Bishop Tobin and find a way to sneak into communion.

And if Congressman Kennedy doesn’t believe in God, what can Tobin do to him other than cost him a few votes?

Kennedy has alternatives:

  • He can put on a clever disguise and sneak into any Catholic church in Rhode Island. We’ve done the math. The chances that he’ll be recognized (or struck by lightning) are less than 10^-23 or just slightly better than the chances that Detroit will win the Super Bowl.
  • He can sneak into a Catholic church in another diocese. Even though there’s wine in that chalice have you ever seen them check ID in a mass?
  • He could bribe a priest and get him to serve communion.
  • The Church could re-institute indulgences and shake Kennedy down for some serious money. (Odds are, this wouldn’t be the first time a Kennedy has paid the Church to look the other way).

"Uff course you realise vee heff vays of dealing viss you."

Of course the One True Church is not without alternatives. They could start checking ID’s at the door and stamping the hands of qualified communicants with purple ink.

Or the pope could institute a Eucharistic Gestapo, commissioned to ensure that all communicants have been orthodox in word and deed. Qualified communicants would be issued a certificate entitling them to receive communion. (Hmm, isn’t that sort of like the idea of a Mormon ‘Temple Recommend?’).

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