IBM Makes Supercomputer Significantly Smarter than Cat

November 19, 2009

The above headline was published today by Ars Technica


I am not impressed. I own a doorknob that is significantly smarter than a cat.


Byrd Becomes Longest-Serving Member of Congress

November 18, 2009

There is no good news here. There will be obligatory ceremonies and speeches in the Senate; high praise will be heaped upon Mr. Byrd for his years of service to the American people and the people of the great state of West Virginia. His many “accomplishments” will be recited–his 20,774 days in the Senate, participating in 98% of all votes cast in those chambers, his shift from conservatism to liberalism.

West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd

Someone should keep a tally of the number of times the words “dedicated public servant” are spoken in tribute to a man who has spent essentially his entire life living high at the public trough. The largesse Mr. Byrd has bestowed upon the citizens of his state in the form of high-dollar, high-employment federal facilities is worthy of the kind of patronage usually dispensed by popes and kings. The man’s finesse at the edge of the pork barrel is legendary.

Our founding fathers would be sickened. None of them ever imagined that citizens would make a career out of serving in the Congress. In our early years as a nation, elective office was viewed as an obligation—a gift to the country from men and women who had distinguished themselves elsewhere.

Now Congress is a much-sought-after career—high pay, immense power, job security (incumbents rarely are turned out) and, best of all a retirement and health care package that is the envy of virtually every working American. None of this Social Security bullshit for these guys and do you think they will have to put up with Obamacare?

“I look forward to serving you for the next 56 years and 320 days,” Mr. Byrd said.

Someday, a small child will look up at you while standing at a graveside and say, “Why did gramps have to die?”

Your answer should be quick and unequivocal—”So that there was no way in hell he could serve 113 years in the US Congress!”

I can’t wait for Mr. Byrd to die. Why? I want to see his estate probated. How many tens of millions of dollars do you suppose this “dedicated public servant” has amassed in his lifetime? He was born poor but, despite a liftime of “dedicated public service,” he will somehow manage to die rich.

And, by the way, neither now nor when he joins Sen Kennedy at that Golden Saloon in the Sky, will many have the bad taste to point out that Sen Byrd was unanimously elected Exalted Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan in 1942.


Inspectors Fear Iran Is Hiding Nuclear Plants

November 17, 2009

No! Really?

Iranian Nuclear Complex Under Construction (AP)

Gosh, you can’t put much over on those International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) inspectors can you? That’s why these guys make the big bucks. They think about things like, “hmm, do you suppose Iran has shown us all of their nuclear facilities?” This question, of course would never occur to mere proletarians like ourselves. We’re too busy concentrating on the point spread on the next Colts game.

Speaking of point spreads, here are a couple of propositions the boys at IAEA might want to put on the boards for the local punters:

  • When will Iran detonate its first nuclear weapon?
  • What will the yield be?
  • Will Iran detonate a nuclear weapon before the Israelis bomb the shit out of anything that even remotely looks like a nuke facility?
  • If Israel bombs Iranian nuclear facilities will they use nukes or conventional weapons? (The Israelis destroyed Saddam’s nuke facilities back in the 80′s. They were largely above ground. The Iranians are building their nuclear facilities deep enough so that it may take nukes to knock them out).

And here’s the big question? Who is selling Iran the sophisticated and very expensive equipment it takes to build nuclear weapons?


If You Were in Charge, to What Would You Devote Your Attention?

November 15, 2009

CNNpollThe data above were taken from a CNN poll conducted about two weeks ago. Suppose you failed 7th grade math; suppose you were a congressman. How difficult would it be for you to figure out which of the above issues was most important to the American public?

Suppose you were a genius and actually finished the 12th grade. How difficult would it be for you to derive from the above graph that one issue and one issue alone was almost as important to the American people as all other issues combined?

What has Congress been working on for the past two weeks? (A: In case you’ve been snoozing, Health Care).

What does it appear the American people think Congress should have been working on for the past two weeks? (A: In case you’re a congressman, or as dumb as one, The Economy).

Do you think Congress really gives a shit what you want?


Hope and Change Update

November 14, 2009

HopeAndChange

Some of you may remember the winning presidential candidate’s two abiding slogans in his 2008 campaign: Hope and Change.

From time to time, we’ll try to update the scorecard on his successes.

duckEnvironment – According to The New York Times President Obama and other world leaders are NOT going to reach any binding agreements on climate issues such as CO2 emissions and global warming. Instead, they have agreed that next month’s Copenhagen conference would reach less specific agreements that would not be politically binding. They will shelve the most difficult issues indefinitely.
Tree huggers, you’ve been sold out. No Change this year. Hope is postponed.

healthcarecantwaitMedical Care – Congress is still a long way from passing Obamacare and, even if it does, they haven’t yet decided who will get screwed and how much. BUT, the Obama gang already have decided that, Obamacare or not, it will cut payments to Medicare Advantage by as much as 4.5% next year. And, according to The Wall Street Journal:


The average premium seniors pay for stand-alone drug plans will rise 11% to $38.94 a month in 2010… About 1.2 million Medicare beneficiaries would pay at least $10 more in monthly premiums if they remain in their current plan.

Seniors, you’ve been sold out. The Change, higher premiums, is already on the way. Hope that costs don’t go up even more under Obamacare.

Afghanistan - Barry, this is now your war, not Bush’s, and things aren’t going all that well. Under your leadership, troop levels in Afghanistan have nearly doubled and combat deaths have more than doubled. And you’re thinking about upping the ante?

wounded Change is for the worse and, based on your indecisiveness over the past ten months, there’s no Hope that things will get better.

Pakistan – Hell, you gave them 8 billion and they bitched at you for meddling in their affairs.
Pakistan always has been a time bomb. The Change is that you’ve started the clock. We can’t Hope this is just another IED. The Pakistanis know their shit when it comes to building weapons.

yemenYemen – Things are going to hell in a hurry in Yemen and it’s not long before you’re going to be caught between Yemen’s branch of al-Qaeda and our good friends the Saudis. This is another one of those Sunni–Shi’ite things and it’s only a matter of time until the Saudis invade Yemen (with weapons we supplied). Got any plans?
The Change is for the worse on the Arabian peninsula. We only Hope you can find Yemen on a map.


(Un)employment – Well, at least you’ve got a job.
Conclusion – The rest of us can only Hope things Change.

guantanamoGuantanamo – Obama promised to close Guantanamo in a year. Last we knew there were still at least 200 prisoners there and no one has any idea what to do with them. Well, at least not with most of them. Some genius in the Obama administration figured it would be a good idea to transfer a few of the Gitmo boys to New York for trial. Why? So the streets of New York can be clogged with barricades, troops carrying automatic weapons, and snipers on every rooftop. Shouldn’t disrupt day-to-day life in Manhattan too much.
Conclusion – The Change is for the worse. We can only Hope the presence of these al Qaeda fiends in New York doesn’t result in more bloodshed.


(Readers please note: This is a running scorecard on the Obama promise for Hope and Change. This is not a Republican polemic. With the possible exception of health care, I am confident that McCain and the Republicans would have screwed things up at least as badly as Obama. We’ll have more to say later about the abysmal choices of governance we’re being offered).


No Wonder They Promise Them Virgins

November 14, 2009

The big news this weekend is that a gang of Muslim terrorists (some involved in the 9/11 conspiracy, others in other dastardly crimes) will be brought to New York for trial.

There’s a storm of controversy over whether these pricks should be given the same trial rights as US citizens. (Moving them onto US soil from a place like Gitmo essentially gives them those rights). Many would argue that they are enemy combatants and have few, if any, rights unless we choose to honor the Geneva Convention which, for the US, always has been optional.

But all this is for the tender-hearted to argue over chamomile or white wine and brie. There’s a better story here.

Have You Ever Seen an Uglier Pack of Bastards in Your Life?

If Quentin Tarantino called down to Central Casting and said “Look I’m making another movie. I’ll need the usual casting–you know, a half-a-dozen stupid, ugly guys who could fuck up a two-car funeral.” The Gang from Gitmo is what he would get.

Check out these pictures and you’ll know why this whole 72 virgin thing gets such big play in sand country. If you filled their pockets with hundred-dollar bills, these guys couldn’t get laid in Bedford-Stuyvestant on a Tuesday night.

The promise of 72 virgins is their only hope for a (non-masturbatory, non-bestial) orgasm.

composite

Hey, that Waleed ain’t so bad looking. You sure he’s a terrorist? You married Waleed?


With Visit to Alaska, Obama Hits 50th State

November 13, 2009
obama50states

Congratulations, Mr. President. Only 7 More to Go.


ACORN Sues Feds for Cutting off Money

November 12, 2009

Need Cash? Open a String of Whorehouses – You Seem to Think That Was a Pretty Good Idea for Your Clients

Scandal-ridden ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) sued the US government on Thursday, saying the Feds did not have the right to cut off ACORN’s federal funding because the group had not been convicted of a crime.

acorn

ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis -"You Can't Do That!"

According to ACORN attorney A.J. Calhoun, the House resolution constitutes a “bill of attainder” or a legislative determination of guilt without a trial.

I’m not a lawyer (but I play one on TV). There are references to “bills of attainder” in the US Constitution and, indeed, they seem to be a Bad Thing but totally irrelevant in this case.

It’s simple. Some ACORN folks were filmed doing something that a reasonable person would say was probably criminal, certainly unethical. On more than one occasion, ACORN staffers at different locations explained to a man and woman how to apply for a federally subsidized home loan so they could open a whorehouse. Caught on camera and audio (multiple times) ACORN claimed it was misinterpreted overzealousness on the part of their staff. ACORN also claimed that the staff had been framed. Just days before they fired them, ACORN also said they stood solidly behind these dedicated staffers.

And, ACORN’s right—no one’s been convicted, yet.

But the Feds wisely decided that they’d best not do any further business with ACORN until this little festouche is cleared up. Solid thinking, I’d say.

The cops arrest the contractor who’s putting new siding on your house, claiming the siding was stolen. Later, after he’s out on bail, the same contractor comes by with another load of the siding and wants you to pay him for it so he can finish up the job. You’re a prudent man (or woman). What would you?

Tell him to take a flying fuck:

  • a) before you call the cops back
  • b) after you shoot him and throw him in the dumpster he parked in front of your house

A Brilliant Solution to a Perennial Problem

November 11, 2009

From time to time we hear little bits about Mormon polygamy, the practice of taking multiple wives within certain sects of the Mormon church. The largest branch of the church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) eschewed polygamy in the 1890′s as part of the deal by which Utah was granted statehood in 1896.

Most Mormons reject polygamy or, if they don’t condemn it, neither do they practice it. However, there are somewhere around 200 splinter sects of the Mormon church and a few of these continue to adhere to what Mormons refer to as “the practice.” And it’s still there in the “Doctrines and Covenants” (#132) for anyone who feels the calling.

We don’t hear much about the Mormon polygamists until one of them pops into the headlines for a few days. Usually it’s for marrying an underage girl; outright polygamy is hard to prove.

BrighamYoung1

Brigham Young - I'm the Boss Here So I'm Takin' Me 55 Wives, See. The Rest of You Can Go Fuck Youselves.

How any man can manage a polygamous marriage is beyond me but, if there are those with the courage to try, I don’t much care. Brigham Young is said to have had around 55 wives although apologists will tell you they were just “widows” who needed his protection in the Wild West. Rulon Jeffs (d. 2002) is said to have had as many as 75 wives. More normal in polygamist communities (and there are scores in North and Central America) is for a man who is called to “the practice” to have 3 or 4 wives.

What’s always puzzled me is the math. The genders of children are about equal in numbers. Out of a hundred children born, 50 will become men; 50 women. It stands to reason that if, say, 10 men manage to have the financial wherewithal and the right connections, among them they are going to take on about 35 wives. That leaves 40 unmarried men and 15 unmarried women. Assuming the balance embrace monogamous marriage, that leaves a surplus of 25 unmarried men with no marital prospects whatsoever.

The only choice for these unmarried men is to leave town and that’s what they do, usually involuntarily. The older polygamist men have their eyes on the young girls and any young man who draws inordinate attention from the girls is likely to find himself on a bus without a dime in his pocket, any concept of the world outside the compound, and no marketable skills. Many of these boys fall into drugs, crime, and prostitution. In St. George, Utah they’re called the “Lost Boys.”

But there’s hope. With the endorsement of the LDS (which more or less runs Utah and Salt Lake anyway) the City of Salt Lake has passed a ‘gay rights’ bill that prohibits discrimination in housing or employment on the basis of sexual orientation. This is both cynical and brilliant. The LDS has no use for homosexuals. BUT this law solves the problem of what to do with the “Lost Boys.” They may never find wives but at least if they want to cuddle with one another, the LDS has decided to turn a blind eye to the practice.

Mind you, these poor guys eventually will fry in Hell, but at least here on earth they’ll experience a little warmth and tenderness.

Hey, do I sense the underpinnings of a new Doctrine and Covenant (this would be #139). All it’s gonna take is for The Quorum of the Twelve to ratify some plowboy’s Revelation and we’re off!


Vatican Looks for Aliens

November 11, 2009

The Vatican is looking to the Heavens (both literally and figuratively) as a growth market.

You’ve gotta hand it to the Catholic church when it comes to marketing. Five hundred years ago, they were sending priests and armies into the New World to save souls for Christ. Heathens by the millions were baptized, catechized, and taught the virtues of donating heavily to the already overflowing coffers of the One True Church.

Since then, competition has stiffened. Gone are the undiscovered lands filled with unwashed pagans yearning to hear the Good News. And, despite the occasional poaching opportunities ( RLIFUD October 23, 2009), there aren’t too many souls left on the planet who have either not been laid claim to by a competing Purveyor of Magic or who have not told all the religionists to fuck off.

So it came as a bit of bright news when the Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, director of the Vatican Observatory, informed His Holiness the Pope that chances were improving for the discovery of life outside our solar system. The Rev. Funes said the European Space Agency recently added 32 new planets to the hundreds already cataloged. The Vatican was so excited about the discovery of these new planets that it recently hosted a five-day conference attended by theologians and scientists.

Creationists were not invited. Neither was Giordano Bruno. Unfortunately, the Church burned him at the stake back in 1600 for suggesting there might be life outside our solar system.

But Pope Benedict XVI is willing to let bygones be bygones. After all, if there are souls out there in the universe in need of indulgences, dispensations, annulments, witch burnings, hangings, and other services traditionally offered by the Church, the Church Marketing Department had better get ready for the big campaign on Gorgamek or whatever.

The really great part is going to come when the Catholics show up on some distant planet and discover it’s filled with Mormons.

mormons


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