Washington Catholics to Sleep Late

A major snowstorm is rolling up the East Coast this weekend, threatening to close down Washington and, perhaps, New York for a day or two. No word yet from New York, but these words of assurance to Washington Catholics.

The Archdiocese of Washington says dangerous travel conditions caused by bad weather is a legitimate excuse from attending Sunday Mass.

Associated Press

What constitutes a “legitimate excuse” for missing Mass? I mean, do you have to bring a note from your weatherman? What happens if you don’t have a legitimate excuse? Do you get struck by lightning and go straight to hell right now or does the Grim Reaper scoop you up at the assigned day and hour of your death and then tell you, “I have instructions from the Lord Almighty Himself to send you straight to hell because you missed Mass on Sunday, December 20, 2009 and did not bring a note from your weatherman to the Parish hall within the allotted 30 days.”

Which excuses are legitimate for missing Mass? For example would it be legitimate to miss Mass if you were in a hospital giving birth to an illegitimate baby? After all, you didn’t have an abortion.

Is a hangover a legitimate excuse for missing Mass or should I show up anyway and just puke in the baptismal font? What if the Key Bridge is closed because of a bomb threat? Father, this is all so confusing. Do you guys have this written down in some rule book I could study? I don’t want to fuck up and go to hell. Really.

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