If We Didn’t Have Lawyers, We Wouldn’t Need Lawyers

January 9, 2010

The American Bar Assn. allows unneeded new law schools to open and refuses to regulate them. The government should consider taking steps to stop the flow of attorneys into a saturated marketplace.

Mark Greenbaum
Los Angeles Times

Everybody agrees we must have too many lawyers, else why would so many of them be advertising, chasing ambulances, or starting foundations to save baby otters, or some obscure minnow?

But the government should “stop the flow of attorneys into a saturated marketplace?” Spoken like a true lawyer, Mark (he is, by the way). Why don’t you guys do what the electricians, plumbers, and even carpet layers have done just about everywhere and put odious “apprentice hours” or “union requirements” on the jobs? These occupations basically regulate the supply of competitors by limiting the routes that potential competitors can take to get in to the business. They persuade their state legislatures that somehow public health and safety are at stake. Next thing you know, it takes connections to get a job connecting pipe or wire.

Look at the electricians: In most states, it doesn’t matter how much formal schooling you’ve had, how good your grades were, how well you did on the state tests, how well you do on a test of practical skills, or even how strong the demand is for electricians. It all depends on your ability to get an entry-level job as an apprentice to a “journeyman” or “master” electrician. If they don’t want you competing with them, they just won’t hire you. Case closed.

Read Greenbaum’s original piece in the LA Times. Not once does he concern himself with the quality or competency of the excessive numbers of lawyers we’re turning out. He’s just afraid these poor law school graduates won’t be able to pay back their student loans or that there won’t be enough good-paying jobs for them.

My biggest fear is that all of these unemployed lawyers will wind up in—you guessed it—politics! If there’s anything worse than the prospect of too many lawyers, it would be too many politicians.

Welcome to the world in which most of us live, Mark.


Barack’s Panties in a Bunch over Panty Bomber

January 8, 2010

“This was a screw-up that could have been disastrous. We dodged a bullet, but just barely. It was averted by brave individuals, not because the system worked, and that is not acceptable.”

“The bottom line is this: The US government had sufficient information to have uncovered this plot and potentially disrupt the Christmas day attack but our intelligence community failed to connect those dots.”

Barack Obama

Mr. Obama doesn’t know much about intelligence or the intelligence community. Yes, the intelligence community failed to identify Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab before he boarded a US-bound airplane with more than skid marks in his underwear.

Abdulmutallab's Panty Bomb - courtesy ABC News

But, as intelligence failures go, this is small-time stuff. Here are a few intelligence failures generally regarded as big-time:

1941 – Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor
1950 – One million Chinese troops invade Korea
1968 – Viet Nam Tet offensive
1974 – India nuclear bomb detonation
1989 – Collapse of Soviet Union
2001 – 9/11 attacks

In each of the above cases, indignation was expressed, hearings were held, fingers were pointed, blame was apportioned, and it was determined after the fact that we did have enough intelligence in hand to have predicted each of these events quite accurately but we failed because, to use Obama’s words, someone didn’t “connect the dots.”

Why not? Well, it has a lot to do with the way the intelligence business operates and, believe it or not, there are good reasons why the info about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab wasn’t being flashed from one security node to another with lightning dispatch.

Competition

At the federal level alone, we have literally dozens of intelligence agencies competing for a limited amount of dollars; FBI, NRO, NSA, DIA, ATF, CIA, TSA, DEA, ASA…The list goes on and on. We can spend a finite amount of money on intelligence of all kinds and what one agency gets usually comes out of another agency’s budget. Capitalists like to refer to this kind of rationing of resources as competition. Whatever group is the most successful, the most efficient, with the resources given them will be rewarded next year, perhaps with more money, certainly with more prestige.

Because they are competing for dollars and status, intelligence agencies are loathe to share hard-earned secrets with their “competitors.” Thus, a CIA analyst is not going to jump up and say, “Gosh, we gotta let the boys down at The Bureau know about this right away!” Good intelligence is a valuable commodity, not something you want to give away even to “friends in the business,” unless you think there will be a payback later on.

Credibility

Like gold coming out of a mine, intelligence begins life as a benign-looking mixture of mud, gravel, stones, sand, water, dirt, and a little gold. Part of the work of an intelligence agency is finding the mine, extracting the ore, then separating the gold from the dross. It isn’t easy because, just as in gold mining, for every ounce of ‘color’ you get tons of trash.

It takes time to separate the gold from the trash—the intelligence from the noise. Not internally nor with other agencies does anyone want to circulate information that is false, inaccurate, outdated, or useless. It is an embarrassment to all and the reputation of an agency that broadcasts intelligence of questionable quality deteriorates quickly.

Competence

Even after most of the noise has been removed from raw intelligence, it takes genuine competence and subject-matter expertise to determine what a piece of data might mean and how it might fit with other information that is being gathered. This leads to the next problem:

Compartmentalization

In the intelligence business, security clearances are just the beginning. Top Secret is really just an entry-level clearance that ranks below many specialized, compartmentalized, clearances. The first rule is “need to know.” Just because you have the necessary clearance level to be given certain information doesn’t mean you need it. Your need to know about this particular item has to be established on a case by case basis. You and the guy in the office next to you may be working on similar intelligence issues but, unless you have been authorized to collaborate, chatting or comparing notes about your work can put you in jail.

Security information is compartmentalized because the dangers presented by someone who knows too much about too many things are extraordinary. Aldrich Ames, a CIA agent who had “need to know” access to (what is, in retrospect) too much information, did enormous damage when he began collaborating with the Russians. Information handed over to the Russians by Ames led to the assassination of at least ten CIA agents.

Robert Hanssen, an FBI agent who had broad access to FBI information and surveillance on Russian targets did incomprehensible damage to our country and to our intelligence gathering when he turned volumes of highly sensitive information over to the Russians.

Again, Hanssen was particularly dangerous because he knew too much about too many things.

Publishing

Once a piece of intelligence is developed, who gets it, and in what form, is another sensitive issue. Case in point: The National Security Agency (NSA) monitors electronic communications of all kinds. (Despite their charter, the law, and the Constitution they probably have recordings of your last chat with Grandma or your bookie). NSA has recordings of conversations between al Qaeda leaders and field agents but NSA refuses to release verbatim transcripts of these recordings to Arabic-speaking analysts in the FBI and CIA. Why? Because the verbatim transcripts would reveal exactly how NSA was able to gather the information and they don’t want anyone to know where it came from. So they release a summary transcript. The problem with a summary transcript is that it does not repeat the exact words of the original conversation. Two plotters can be talking about bomb parts using code words to make it sound like a grocery list. To an NSA transcriber, they’re stocking the larder for Faisal’s birthday party; to a CIA translator, the repeated use of the word ‘milk’ is an obvious reference to something sinister.

“Ultimately the buck stops with me.”

In a recent speech, Obama symbolically fell on his sword in a press conference, using the above words. But he then immediately backed away from his mea culpa: “The intelligence community did not aggressively follow up on and prioritize particular streams of intelligence related to a possible attack against the homeland.”

Bottom Line

The Obama administration will make no serious attempts to re-organize our intelligence-gathering activities. There will be showcase activities, but most of these will occur in the TSA lines at the airports where citizens can choose to be either irritated or comforted by the additional layers of “security theater.” The real business of intelligence will change hardly a whit.

There will be more attempts to do damage to US interests both in this country and around the world. Some will succeed and a few will be pretty horrifying. Revamping our intelligence community won’t prevent them as the potential dangers are too many and too fluid for us to hope ever to eliminate every one. Probably the most productive change we could make right now is to begin ‘profiling.’ We’ll talk about that in another column after the howls of protest from the ACLU and Common Cause die down.


News McNuggets

January 7, 2010

“Even less information than you get from USA Today!”

______________________

January 6, 2010 – The State Department says it has revoked the U.S. visa of the Nigerian man suspected of trying to blow up a Northwest Airlines flight over Detroit on Christmas Day.

Good move guys, and it only took you two weeks after he was arrested.

______________________

“[O]besity has become an equal, if not greater contributor to the burden of disease than smoking,” according to researchers at Columbia University.

As an ex-smoker who spent his last tobacco-filled decade in 20-degree weather smoking behind a dumpster, I can’t wait for the politicians to come after your fat asses.

______________________

[True story: Poor guy survives the Hiroshima bomb, takes the train home to Nagasaki, and KABLAM!] Tsutomu Yamaguchi, the only person officially recognized as surviving both U.S. atomic bomb attacks on Japan, has died at the age of 93 of stomach cancer.

Probably caused by the bomb.

______________________

“The bottom line is this: The US government had sufficient information to have uncovered this plot and potentially disrupt the Christmas day attack but our intelligence community failed to connect those dots.”

Barack Obama

So that’s what those government employees do all day.

______________________

“In response to reports that the would-be Christmas bomber went to the bathroom for 20 minutes – where it’s believed he prepared the explosive – new rules prohibit passengers from leaving their seats for an hour before landing.”

Philadelphia Inquirer

Abdul, I’ve got an idea. Let’s blow the plane up an hour and twenty minutes before it’s supposed to land.
Faisal, my friend. At first I am thinking you are talking the crazy talk. But it just might work!

______________________

“Salt Lake city…is now majority non-Mormon.”

CNN

At last, a decent cup of coffee in Utah

______________________

“[F]ull body scanners at British airports threaten to breach child protection laws which ban the creation of indecent images of children”

The Guardian

Abdul, I have another idea. We can hide the bomb in little Carmi’s diaper.
Faisal, what is a diaper?

______________________

Diesel Spill Contaminates Yellow River

Google News

Yeah, but how did they know?

______________________

“Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be splitting up come spring this 2010, psychics have predicted.”

Boy these psychics must be good. Who else would have the insight to predict that two narcissistic Hollywood assholes might split up?

______________________

Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joe Ratzinger), leader of the world’s 1.1 billion Roman Catholics called for people to take more care of the environment.

BBC

Joe’s right, you know. One of the biggest stresses on the environment is all these people. Hey Joe, how’s this for an idea? Why don’t you tell your 1.1 billion followers that they won’t go to hell if they put those little stretchy things around their dicks?

______________________

Montana has become the third state to legalize physician-assisted suicide.

For cowboys, but not for sheep.

______________________

There was a bit of a showdown in the NBA’s Washington Wizards locker room. All-star Gilbert Arenas pulled a gun on Jarvis Crittendon. Crittendon pulled his own gun on Arenas [and who gives a shit what happened after that].

I think they should have stuck with their old team name, the Washington Bullets.

______________________

About 308,400,408 people populated the United States on January 1, 2010, the U.S. Census Bureau estimates.

I’ll bet at least 315,000,000 are registered as Democrats.

______________________

The CD peddler who was shot and killed by police in Times Square could have unloaded as many as 27 more shots if he had been holding his gun correctly. Raymond “Ready” Martinez opened fire at an officer with an imitation MAC-10 but he held it sideways, like the movie gangstas. When Martinez held the gun parallel to the ground, it caused the shells to jam the gun as the spent casings got stuck vertically in the chamber. The cops killed Martinez.

Happened in December so he would be a 2009 Darwin Award candidate.

______________________

Mansor Mohammad Asad, 43, an airline passenger in Miami proclaimed “I want to kill all the Jews” before police forced him off a Detroit-bound plane, authorities said Thursday.

Question: In order to become a Muslim do you have to prove you’re fucking nuts first or do they teach you this kind of stuff as you go along?

______________________


Enjoy That Big Screen TV

January 6, 2010

High-definition, big-screen televisions are selling well. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are delighted. No, Harry and Nancy don’t see this as a boost to our economy. Like just about everything else we buy, few HDTV’s are made in the United States anyway.

What delights Harry and Nancy is that most Americans are going to be watching the college bowl games, NFL playoffs, and the new season of “Big Love” rather than paying attention to the skulduggery currently rampant in congress.

Even the blind, deaf, and dumb are aware that congress is on the verge of passing its ‘greatest accomplishment ever,’ the health care bill. (The blind, deaf, and dumb are able to smell the bill from as far away as Ketchikan).

In another example of the hubris of King Harry and Queen Nancy, they’ve decided that the easiest way to jam this bill down our throats is to ignore the democratic process entirely. In other, words, “Fuck the Republicans, and fuck the voters.”

Badges? Badges! We don' need no steenking badges.

The facts as we know them today: No Senate Republican supports the Senate’s health care bill; one House Republican supports the House version; about 40% (for you graduates of America’s public schools, that’s less than half) of the voters support either, or both, bills.

Civics 101: The House and Senate have passed similar, but not identical, versions of the health care bill. Under normal congressional rules, representatives of the House and Senate would hold formal public hearings to reconcile the differences between their bills. Then identical bills would be prepared and voted on separately in each chamber. If passed by both chambers, and signed by the president, the health care bill then would become the law of the land.

But Harry and Nancy have done a head count and realize they don’t need to follow time-honored rules or traditions of democracy. They’ve got all the Democrats they need in both houses, so here’s what they’re planning: They will hold private, “informal” negotiations which will exclude not only the Republicans but the press, including C-SPAN. In private, they will cobble together a compromise, announce it to the public and cram it through both houses before anyone, particularly the voters, has a chance to weigh the bill on its merits.

Remember, these are the same folks whose exalted leader said, while arguing health care reform with Hillary Clinton on Jan 31, 2008:

That’s what I will do in bringing all parties together, not negotiating behind closed doors, but bringing all parties together, and broadcasting those negotiations on C-SPAN so that the American people can see what the choices are.

Barack Obama
quoted by Fox News


Cops and Drugs

January 5, 2010

A story in the New York Post reports that New York City’s Department of Health has issued 70,000 copies of a 16-page flier on how to shoot heroin properly and safely. Though I’m generally in favor of the legalization of recreational drugs, heroin is not on my list of personal favorites. The Health Department thinks the flier is worth the effort because it will reduce overdoses and infections. I think they’re right.

The Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is, on the other hand, livid because they think the guidebook suggests there is a “safer” way to inject heroin. Well guys, there is. That’s the whole point of the flier. Follow these simple guidelines and you’re less likely to wind up in the ER or the morgue.

Meanwhile, the Denver Post carries a story about how a “medical marijuana” sale led to the shooting death of a Denver man Tuesday morning. According to Denver police spokesman Sonny Jackson, two men were “conducting a medical marijuana transaction when an altercation occurred” at about 12:25 AM. One of the men died from a gunshot wound; the other is being held as a suspect.

Medical marijuana recently was legalized in Colorado. It’s obvious from the spin the Denver cops are putting on this story that they’d have us believe even medical marijuana leads to all sorts of horrible consequences, including murder most foul.

So what do these stories have in common?

You’re going to be seeing a lot of stories like these in the coming years as the cops panic over the liberalization of drug laws. For cops, drugs have been the best thing since prohibition. They do not want to see the drug laws relaxed because they stand to lose a lot in the process.

Like What?

Money

The scams vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but law enforcement generally acquires both institutional and personal financial benefit from the enforcement of drug laws.

Property seized in “drug-related” crimes becomes police property. Boats, cars, airplanes, guns and, of course, cash seized in drug busts wind up being used by cops to buy cool vehicles, surveillance equipment, SWAT gear, and other cop toys that are outside the means of the department budget.

No other kind of crime yields these direct benefits to police. Bust an armed robber or a burglar, you get to throw the bad guy in jail and revel in the gratitude of the citizenry. Bust a drug dealer and there are all kinds of rewards for you and the department. You keep some of the drugs for your own use or sale and turn some in to the evidence room. The evidence guy rakes off his share, passes some of the dope up the chain of command and books the rest in as evidence. Who’s gonna complain? You think you’ll hear something like this in a courtroom?

Prosecutor: Now Officer Riley, will you please tell the court what you found when you looked under the spare tire in the defendant’s car?

Officer Riley: I found a one kilo package of Mexican brown heroin, sir.

Defendant (jumping to his feet): You lying sack of shit. There were at least five kilos there!

More Money

Apparently the possession of a large quantity (“large quantity” is defined by local custom and may be as little as $300-$400) of money is prima facie evidence that you’re in the drug business. In some states, the possession of a “large quantity” of money is reasonable cause to presume you’re in the drug business, even though no drugs are found. Now here’s the best part: You have to prove to them that you didn’t get the money from drugs, otherwise they get to keep it. Due process? Innocent until proven guilty? Fuggedaboutit.

It may cost you $2500 in legal fees to get your money back.

And Even More Money

Do you have any idea how much it would be worth to certain people if a cop didn’t find the drugs under the spare tire, or didn’t look behind the ceiling tiles? Or didn’t have any idea who was running the 12th St. operation? A lot of cops know.

And Still More Money

Incarceration is one of the fastest-growing businesses in the United States. We now have private, profit-making business running prisons. Well over half the inmates in these prisons are there because of drugs or drug-related crimes. How much money do you think Corrections Corporation of America is throwing at your legislature to ‘come down hard’ on drug offenders?

Abrogation of Civil Rights

Cops aren’t much in favor of the Constitution, particularly when it comes to warrants and search and seizure. You’ve got to show a judge probable cause before you can get a warrant to search OJ’s house for a murder weapon. But drugs? All it takes is a couple of detectives saying they received a reliable tip and voila, not only do you get the right to enter but you get to bust down the fucking door without any warning.

Good Crime Stats

Bring down a breaking and entering man and you get credit for an arrest and maybe a crime or two closed on the books. But bring down a few druggies and the sky’s the limit. These guys will rat each other, and their wives and girlfriends, out in a heartbeat. Grab the right corner boy and you can be looking at a dozen or more confessions and convictions, maybe a medal and a little something in your personnel jacket that will help propel you to that lieutenancy.

Some Things to Think About

If we legalized at least some drugs (I have to admit, meth scares me) how much do you think arrest rates for almost all crimes would drop? How about murder rates (turf wars, stealing dope), armed robberies (money to buy drugs), and burglaries (money to buy more drugs)? Nothing we’re doing now seems to make much difference. Might we be better off if people weren’t stealing or pulling hold-ups to feed their habits? Do you have any idea how cheap drugs would be if they were legal? Most users could skim enough off their food stamps to pay for their habit.

And Last, a Marginally Related Thought

I started this article referring to some propaganda put out by police departments and repeated without challenge by their lap dogs in the press. Watch for a different kind of propaganda coming soon to a news source near you: Between January 31 (the date by which all W-2’s must be mailed) and April 15 (federal income tax due) watch how many stories the papers run about convictions of tax evaders. I swear to God the IRS must set court dates so that they get some high profile convictions during tax season.


Jihad Recruiting Center – Opening Soon Near You

January 4, 2010

Perhaps the biggest reason we haven’t had many problems with suicide bombers in the US is that there’s a real shortage of committed jihadists. Seems like everyone knows about the 72 virgin shit and the all-access instant pass to Paradise but, so far, not many are buying in to the idea. Here in the US, it’s a lot easier to get laid than it is in Kandahar and besides we’ve got Disneyland. The promise of Paradise and hirsute virgins apparently pales in comparison.

Jihad Central, Kabul Style. "Men's room? Just shit in that bucket next to Faisal."

Even Nidal Hasan, the Ft. Hood shooter, didn’t have the balls to take himself out.

Martyrdom? Me? Sorry, can’t do it this week. I’m supposed to get my teeth cleaned Thursday.

And, of course, the bearded old bastards who are trying to recruit martyrs all have some sort of reason they can’t do it themselves. You know, “I’m allergic to RDX.” “These back problems—can’t hustle explosives around the way I used to.” “My 401k went in the shitter.” Whatever.

But over the next decade our supply of potential martyrs, many with the will to kill themselves and others, will increase significantly. The source? Radical Islam in our prisons. The typical US prisoner is a perfect target for Islamic radicalization—non-white, young, unmarried, frustrated, angry, poorly educated, no future, and a 75% chance of winding up back in prison within 5 years anyway. Might as well go out with a bang.

Radical Islamic groups already are canvassing our prisons for recruits. With over 2.1 million inmates stashed in facilities across the country, they should have no trouble recruiting converts and organizing Quranic “study groups.” Our prisons will become crucibles for Islamic radicalization, turning out ex-cons armed with a religious rationalization for mayhem.

Look for a jihad recruiting and training facility to open soon in a neighborhood near you.

Jihad Central, American Style. "Men's room? Make a left at the weight room, and then just past the hot tub."


Football Broadcasters – It’s Time to Get Ready for Next Season

January 3, 2010

Tony Kornheiser We Miss You on MNF, Buddy

Sports broadcasters aren’t working the airwaves because their Rhodes scholarships fell through.

Many are ex-jocks trying contribute a little “insight” and “color.” Others are guys who, frankly, just didn’t have what it takes to make it in the world of athletics. They’re kind of like bloggers, I guess. They can’t do any of this stuff, so they sit around and criticize the people who can.

That said, let’s set some attainable goals for next season’s football broadcasters. I’ll let fans of other sports deal with the errors of baseball, basketball, etc., broadcasters.

  1. Forte - The word is pronounced fort, not “FOR-tay.” It comes from the French meaning “strength.” It is perfectly OK to say “the end-around play is Lydell’s strength.” But it is not his FOR-tay. FOR-tay means “loud.” If you can’t bring yourself to pronounce the word properly, then just say “strength” and be done with it.
  2. Involved - “Jim, it’s time they got Williams involved in the game.” He’s already involved. He’s here; he’s wearing a uniform; he’s on today’s list of eligible players. Do you mean, “It’s time for State to throw some passes to Williams,” or do you mean, “It’s time for Williams to get the Gatorade bucket ready to soak the coach!”
  3. He’d love to have that one back – No shit? The quarterback just threw a game-ending interception to the opposition’s corner back and you think “he’d love to have that one back” adds to my understanding of the gravity of the situation? How much do they pay you?
  4. His feet never stop moving - Geez, it never occurred to any of us who watch football that if a ball carrier stops running, someone might drop him where he stands. Do they teach this phrase in sports broadcasting school or did you guys all figure it out for yourselves?
  5. Athleticism - Do you really mean the reason this guy just kicked a 59-yard field goal is because of his “intense interest in athletics.”
  6. In space - So this guy’s a dangerous receiver any time he’s in the vicinity of Aldebaran, or just any red giant in general? What was wrong with “open field?” You afraid someone will associate you with Pat Summerall or Howard Cosell?

And now for a few things on which some specific broadcasters need to spend time during the summer hiatus:

  1. Phil Simms - CBS, you can save a ton of money here. Just fine Phil $1000 every time he starts a sentence with “Well” or “Yeah” or “Ya know.” I guarantee he’ll wind up owing you money at the end of the year. And Phil, for Christ’s sake stop yelling. We can hear you . The equipment’s working fine.
  2. Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski - Just shut up. Please. You’re starting to make people think back fondly to the days when Dick Vermeil and Joe Theismann were in the booth.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab – The Fallout

January 2, 2010

OK, so Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab didn’t bring Northwest Airlines Flight 253 down in a ball of flame. He didn’t kill nearly 300 people. He didn’t make “Christmas 2009″ resonate with “Nine Eleven” or “Lockerbie.”

According to the somewhat obscure standards by which successful jihad is measured, he was a failure. No blood, no broken bones; just one very tender crotch. Don’t worry Umar, it’ll heal in a few weeks. Then you and K Boy be gettin it on down in the showers at the Milan, Michigan lockup.

Meanwhile President Obama places blame for Abdulmutallab’s attack squarely on the shoulders of al Qaeda, specifically on their Yemen franchise.

We know Abdulmutallab was in Yemen and apparently received some “terrorist training” there. But if this was an al Qaeda operation, something’s seriously amiss. It looks like Al Qaeda U’s South Campus, located somewhere in Yemen’s southern province of Shabwa, have let their standards slip if they gave Umar a passing grade in Bomb Making 101 – Initiators, Boosters, and Primaries.

What he wound up building was this:

Abdulmutallab's Panty Bomb - courtesy ABC News

Looks kind of gay to me but it’s no joke. Abdulmutallab’s britches contained TATP and PETN, a couple of pretty respectable explosives. But, fortunately, there’s more to bomb-making than just mixing a few chemicals. Abdulmutallab was either sleeping or going through one of his five-a-days when the Professor was talking about assembling the bomb.

But Umar, speaking as a beleaguered citizen of the United States, I want you to know you succeeded. You have single-handedly added to the already miserable experience of air travel in the United States, where our TSA’s security motto is: If It Pisses Passengers Off, It Must Be Effective.

They’ve already added emergency “pat-down” procedures which, if you’ve reviewed the TSA training videos and manuals, you already know are a joke. You wanna know if someone’s got a detonator hidden behind his balls, you’re gonna have to grab ‘em and find out. And a cucumber-sized wad of C-4 (plastique)? I think you can figure out where to stash that, eh? TSA is not allowed to go that far.

So their latest plan is to deploy millimeter wave scanner or backscatter x-ray equipment at airports across the country. These little numbers, at $200,000 each, aren’t a bargain. They yield ambiguous results, we’ll need a few thousand of them, and god help the TSA agent who’s got to make the call (or do the dirty work) when one of these things gives a positive reading. (Don’t bother checking stock prices for companies that manufacture this equipment; the market is way ahead of you.)

Have you seen the pictures from these things?

Let’s cut TSA a break and assume their machines produce better pictures than these (although I have yet to see any) and that their razor-sharp agents can spot a blasting cap (about the size of a cigarette) stowed up someone’s ass.

Now what? You wanna take this citizen into a “private screening area” and part his sphincter for a look see? You’d better be right or you’re going to find out just how mind-numbing a deposition can be.

TSA’s talking about unionizing. They’d better. Because when the complaints of groping, civil rights violations, personal humiliation, and downright outrage over ‘body cavity’ searches start rolling in, those TSA guys are going to need someone to represent them.

Umar, I’ll try to get the word back to Jihad Central that, even though you didn’t die nor did you kill any infidels, you have fully qualified for your Martyrdom Medal with Oak Leaf Cluster.

You have succeeded in making the lives of the 5 billion infidels in this world just a little bit more miserable. Thanks a lot, asshole.


“Dear Friends, Send money. Your pal, God”

January 1, 2010

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:24

Since god has a reputation for being Triple O (Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnipotent), I’ve always wondered why he seems to have constant money problems. Apparently, though he can raise the dead, heal the sick, and move mountains god is no better at handling money than Mike Tyson or Nicholas Cage.

God (or actually, those who claim to be his agents) seems constantly to be running a little short. And with all the good works that need doing, he’s asking his already hard-working flock to help him out practically all the time.

Apparently even though he’s Triple O, there’s some sort of theological warp that prevents god from a) getting a job; or b) just creating all the cash or gold or canned goods or whatever when he needs them.

So god takes on front men like Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. I’d never heard of Rick until this week (no, I didn’t watch the inauguration or Oprah) so I didn’t realize what a big deal he was in evangelical circles. This guy’s got a major operation going with weekly church attendance averaging nearly 20,000.  Parking at Saddleback on Sunday morning must be as big a pain in the ass as parking at Soldier Field for a Bears’ game.

Hey Rick, I'll bet you can hit these assholes up for a couple of bucks.

So imagine my surprise when the news services are carrying stories that Pastor Rick urgently needs his parishioners’ help to raise a million bucks in two days. Serious money indeed.

Now Rick’s budget is big: $35.3 million a year, so it’s safe to assume there’s someone in the back office who’s taken at least Accounting 101 at the Saddleback Community College (hmm, maybe that’s the problem right there). Anyway, two days before the end of the year, this nimrod apparently comes running into Rick’s office, “Pastor Rick, Pastor Rick. The sky is falling. If we don’t raise a million bucks by tomorrow afternoon, we’re fucked!”

What's the difference betweeen god and Hillary? God doesn't think he's Hillary.

Calmly, Rick turns to his computer and composes a passionate plea to the faithful. Apparently, response has been adequate, though Rick has yet to reveal how much his urgent appeal has raised.

Two things bother me about this:

  1. A million bucks is not chump change but it amounts to less than 3% of Saddleback’s budget. According to Rick 10% of his congregation is jobless. And nobody could foresee the possibility of a 3% budget shortfall?
  2. Why two days? Did Saddleback borrow its operating capital from the Russian mob, as in “Rick buddy, Vitaly says you don’ have the mill by tomorrow afternoon you gonna be wearing a one-ton wet suit.”

Well, at least he didn’t pull an Oral Roberts. Back in ’87, Roberts claimed that, unless he raised $8 million in two months god was going to “call him home.” Unfortunately Roberts raised the 8 mill. If he hadn’t his excuses for not committing hara-kiri would have been amusing.

I guess you don’t fuck with god or Vitaly.

Saddleback Church. First thing I'd do is shoot the architect.


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