In these hard economic times many people, unable to find jobs, are starting their own businesses. One of the tricks to building a successful business is to do something that few others are doing. “Find the need and fill it,” as the saying goes.
Here’s a need just waiting to be filled: a Liars’ Academy.
There are too many people out there whose business requires them to lie regularly and they just can’t pull it off. Open a Liars’ Academy and teach the basics: dissembling, ambiguous language; plausible deniability; unverifiable assertions; and knowing when the best tactic is to just keeping your fucking mouth shut. There are myriad techniques to telling good lies but it seems many people in the public eye, be they businessmen, politicians, or common criminals don’t have a handle on it.
A potential customer:
Two stewardesses on a Delta Connection flight bound for Atlanta got into a fistfight in the cabin of the plane before it left Rochester. A passenger told a local news station, “They [the stewardesses] got into a fistfight on the plane. The pilot decided to kick everyone off the plane.”
Another passenger said, “They told us we had to get off the plane because stewardesses were fighting.”
The plane returned to the gate. Everyone was offloaded and Pinnacle Airlines, the Delta Connection operator, found alternate transportation for the affected passengers. Both stewardesses were removed from duty “pending an investigation.”
Now comes Pinnacle spokesman, Joe Williams, claiming that the plane returned to the gate “because a passenger had become ill.”
We’ve already got testimony from two passengers, the pilot, and the co-pilot all saying there was a fistfight between the stewardesses. And the stews were suspended.
Joe needs to attend the Liars’ Academy.
______________________
A huge iceberg, 60 miles long, up to 24 miles wide, and 1400 feet thick has broken off the continent of Antarctica. Scientists disagree on whether the iceberg will affect weather in the southern hemisphere or make it harder for Emperor penguins to find food.
But, so far, no environmentalists have stepped forward to say that the break-off of the iceberg was our fault. They should be cobbling together some global warming, carbon footprint shit that appears to have scientific credibility.
Clearly, they need the Liars’ Academy.
______________________
And you remember the ACORN scandal:
ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis -"You Can't Do That!"
A couple of free-lancers, James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, filmed some pretty embarrassing incidents in several ACORN (Association for Community Organizations for Reform Now) offices. The couple masqueraded as being interested in starting a business: a whorehouse, to be blunt about it. They needed help getting money to start this venture. Videos taken in several different ACORN facilities showed similar outcomes: ACORN employees counseling the couple on how to qualify for a house loan (or is there a separate category for whore house loans?) and also giving advice on the employment of illegal, under-age aliens as prostitutes, while claiming them as “dependents” in order to receive welfare benefits (which would, one presumes, include a lot of penicillin shots).
ACORN claimed it was a misunderstanding, that the whole thing was a put-on by its employees who knew they were being filmed, that they were entrapped, etc. ACORN even stood “solidly” behind the videotaped employees, right up to the minute they fired them.
Clearly, ACORN head Bertha Lewis and her PR flacks need the Liar’s Academy.
______________________
On December 12, 2009, at the US Military Academy (West Point), Barack Obama said he was sending 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan immediately but that “these additional American and international troops will allow us to accelerate handing over responsibility to Afghan forces and allow us to begin the transfer of our forces out of Afghanistan in July of 2011.”
On February 27, 2010 the head of the British Army, General Sir David Richard, said British troops will remain in Afghanistan for the next five years. (There’s no way the Brits are going to stay there unless the Americans remain also).
Obama’s obviously lying. But he doesn’t need to attend the Liars’ Academy. He should be on the faculty. Notice the dissembling, ambiguous language: “…allow us to begin the transfer of our forces.” This is what lying is all about. He never says when we’re getting out, or if we’re ever getting out. He simply says we can “begin.” If we “begin” by transferring 10 soldiers a year out of Afghanistan, we can stay ten thousand years without making a liar out of Obama. This is first-class stuff.
______________________
Sure, I know it’s a great idea. No need to thank me. Just send along 10% of your earnings or some really good lie about why you can’t send me any money.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 at 4:52 PM and is filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Liars’ Academy
In these hard economic times many people, unable to find jobs, are starting their own businesses. One of the tricks to building a successful business is to do something that few others are doing. “Find the need and fill it,” as the saying goes.
Here’s a need just waiting to be filled: a Liars’ Academy.
There are too many people out there whose business requires them to lie regularly and they just can’t pull it off. Open a Liars’ Academy and teach the basics: dissembling, ambiguous language; plausible deniability; unverifiable assertions; and knowing when the best tactic is to just keeping your fucking mouth shut. There are myriad techniques to telling good lies but it seems many people in the public eye, be they businessmen, politicians, or common criminals don’t have a handle on it.
A potential customer:
Two stewardesses on a Delta Connection flight bound for Atlanta got into a fistfight in the cabin of the plane before it left Rochester. A passenger told a local news station, “They [the stewardesses] got into a fistfight on the plane. The pilot decided to kick everyone off the plane.”
The plane returned to the gate. Everyone was offloaded and Pinnacle Airlines, the Delta Connection operator, found alternate transportation for the affected passengers. Both stewardesses were removed from duty “pending an investigation.”
Now comes Pinnacle spokesman, Joe Williams, claiming that the plane returned to the gate “because a passenger had become ill.”
We’ve already got testimony from two passengers, the pilot, and the co-pilot all saying there was a fistfight between the stewardesses. And the stews were suspended.
Joe needs to attend the Liars’ Academy.
______________________
A huge iceberg, 60 miles long, up to 24 miles wide, and 1400 feet thick has broken off the continent of Antarctica. Scientists disagree on whether the iceberg will affect weather in the southern hemisphere or make it harder for Emperor penguins to find food.
But, so far, no environmentalists have stepped forward to say that the break-off of the iceberg was our fault. They should be cobbling together some global warming, carbon footprint shit that appears to have scientific credibility.
Clearly, they need the Liars’ Academy.
______________________
And you remember the ACORN scandal:
ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis -"You Can't Do That!"
A couple of free-lancers, James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, filmed some pretty embarrassing incidents in several ACORN (Association for Community Organizations for Reform Now) offices. The couple masqueraded as being interested in starting a business: a whorehouse, to be blunt about it. They needed help getting money to start this venture. Videos taken in several different ACORN facilities showed similar outcomes: ACORN employees counseling the couple on how to qualify for a house loan (or is there a separate category for whore house loans?) and also giving advice on the employment of illegal, under-age aliens as prostitutes, while claiming them as “dependents” in order to receive welfare benefits (which would, one presumes, include a lot of penicillin shots).
ACORN claimed it was a misunderstanding, that the whole thing was a put-on by its employees who knew they were being filmed, that they were entrapped, etc. ACORN even stood “solidly” behind the videotaped employees, right up to the minute they fired them.
Clearly, ACORN head Bertha Lewis and her PR flacks need the Liar’s Academy.
______________________
On December 12, 2009, at the US Military Academy (West Point), Barack Obama said he was sending 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan immediately but that “these additional American and international troops will allow us to accelerate handing over responsibility to Afghan forces and allow us to begin the transfer of our forces out of Afghanistan in July of 2011.”
On February 27, 2010 the head of the British Army, General Sir David Richard, said British troops will remain in Afghanistan for the next five years. (There’s no way the Brits are going to stay there unless the Americans remain also).
Obama’s obviously lying. But he doesn’t need to attend the Liars’ Academy. He should be on the faculty. Notice the dissembling, ambiguous language: “…allow us to begin the transfer of our forces.” This is what lying is all about. He never says when we’re getting out, or if we’re ever getting out. He simply says we can “begin.” If we “begin” by transferring 10 soldiers a year out of Afghanistan, we can stay ten thousand years without making a liar out of Obama. This is first-class stuff.
______________________
Sure, I know it’s a great idea. No need to thank me. Just send along 10% of your earnings or some really good lie about why you can’t send me any money.
Like this:
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010 at 4:52 PM and is filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.