Rumors, Lies, Innuendo, Fear, Uncertainty, and Despair

The title of this post is lifted from a Slate article by Jacob Weisberg.

Is Newt nuts? I don’t know. I’m not a psychiatrist. Neither is Weisberg. His article is one example of literally thousands of pieces that have appeared in the past month questioning Newt Gingrich’s fitness for office, his hairstyle, his dalliances, his lobbying activities, and his right to breathe.

Why the torrent of panic- and hate-filled anti-Gingrich propaganda? Because everyone who wants Obama to win the next election yearns for Mitt Romney to be the Republican candidate. Why? Because, contrary to conventional wisdom, Romney is the one guy the Democrats know they can beat. Newt’s latest polling numbers put Romney’s nomination in jeopardy.

Until Romney has the nomination securely in hand the Democrats, the press, and the talking heads will go easy on him. But if Romney wins the nomination, you can expect broadsides against Romney along the following lines:

• Wall Street. Romney is the Republican most closely aligned with Wall Street. The Democrats will allege that Romney is linked to every scandal and scoundrel from Lehman Brothers to Bernie Madoff. Romney is a 1-percenter, a man whose life is dedicated to bleeding the working classes dry for the benefit of himself and his rich cronies. The Occupy Wall Street movement will be re-invigorated, at last having a palpable villain. (OWS already is a surrogate for the Democrats. They’re pissed at Obama. They voted for him; he didn’t bring Hope and Change, but they don’t have the balls to burn him in effigy. Romney will be the perfect target).
• Massachusetts. Voters from the other 49 states are abundantly suspicious of anyone or anything having to do with Massachusetts. This is a state where endemic political corruption has been raised to high art. It’s home to people and ideas Republicans love to hate: Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Barney Frank, gun control, and, of course, Romneycare. The press, with some justification, will suggest that Romney is a closet liberal. How else could he have been elected governor of the most liberal state in the country?
• Mormonism. It is an unfortunate requirement of American politics that candidates at least make a claim to adhere to some brand of Judeo-Christian doctrine. Atheists, agnostics, Sikhs, and Unitarians need not apply. Romney is a Mormon, so he meets the basic Judeo-Christian requirement. So far, the pundits have been careful to tread lightly around Mormonism. But if Romney is nominated, it suddenly will become a major topic. The Democrats know that between 20% and 36% of voters will not vote for a Mormon. If you come to an election with this many voters already against you, you’re going to lose. Long ‘analysis’ pieces will appear in the press. The following synopsis will save you the trouble of reading them. (It may even help some media hypocrites write them):

While we (The Atlantic, The New York Times, Huffington Post, etc.) believe that faith is a personal matter, some Republicans and independents harbor deep concerns about Romney’s Mormon faith. Many, like Bubba Goodfellow, a life-long member of the Open Bible Baptist Church of Syracuse KS are suspicious of this rather peculiar American form of Christianity. “Mormons believe their priests receive revelations directly from God,” says Bubba. “I mean, what happens if we have another 9/11 and Romney claims that he received a revelation that is really was the will of God?” Like most adult Mormon males, Romney is a priest.

Even more circumspect observers are skeptical. The Right Reverend Theodore Carruthers, First Rector of the Old Saybrook CT Episcopal Church notes that, “There is simply no Biblical evidence to support the Mormon claim that Jesus was in America and will return to Missouri.”

You get the idea.

Am I supporting Newt? Not really. I don’t much care who is elected president. Congress was, is, and will be the problem. Be sure to vote against the incumbent congressman in your district, regardless of his party and how helpful he was in getting your Aunt Nell her disability check. Remember, your congressman is an idiot.

Here’s yet another stupid idea from the Department of Homeland (Please Remove Your Shoes) Security: armed drones in the hands of local police departments.

DHS gave Montgomery County (north of Houston, Texas) $300,000 to buy an unmanned drone capable of firing “non-lethal” weapons, such as tasers or bean bags at fleeing desperados. Fired from an altitude of 250 feet, a bean bag would have substantial momentum, likely enough to break bones or kill someone who is struck in the head. Aiming such a device, even with the aid of a fire control system capable of accounting for windage and projectile drop, would also be a problem.

But set all that aside. How long will it be before an unmanned police drone, armed or unarmed, collides with something? A cop flying one of these things from some remote office will have very little situational awareness since he will be able to see only what his camera is pointed at. It’s just a matter of time before one of these things flies into a building or, worse still, an airplane.

Do people actually get paid to come up with these schemes?

“Unrelenting sex drive may signal deadly rabies”
MSNBC

Charlie Sheen has rabies?

“Romney will do anything to get elected”
The Atlantic

And that makes him different from the rest of them….how?

“Car rental firm Hertz fired 26 [Muslim] employees at its Sea-Tac Airport location for failing to clock out when they take their prayer breaks….They have not applied the policy to people who take smoke breaks.”
KOMO Seattle

So, the Muslims should start smoking while they’re on their prayer mats.

Auto racing legend Al Unser Jr. was arrested and charged with DWI in Albuquerque, after investigators said his blood alcohol content was twice the legal limit and he was speeding at more than 100 mph.
KOAT Albuquerque

Maybe Al should have tipped a few before his races. He might have won more.

NM holds highest solve-rate for bank robberies in U.S.
KOB Albuquerque

No, it’s not smart cops. It’s dumb bank robbers.

About 36% of consumers will drive five miles out of their way to save three cents per gallon of gasoline.
Marketwatch

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
H.L.Mencken

54 percent of voters want to throw out every member of Congress.
Christian Science Monitor

Yes, but they all think their own congressman is a good guy. Repeat after me: “My congressman is an idiot.”

Investigators have not ruled out foul play in the death of a young Arkansas man whose body was discovered in an empty bathtub next to a sleeping TV meteorologist.
Fox News

Sorry, I just think this is funny.

“My next door neighbor’s two dogs have created more shovel ready jobs than this president.”
attributed to stealth presidential candidate Gary Johnson

Rick Perry ought to hire Johnson’s speech writers.

An expert panel convened by the National Academy of Sciences concluded that the FAA lacks the technical expertise needed to build and manage complex air-traffic systems.
Businessweek

Which is, of course, why the FAA is in the business of building and managing a complex air-traffic system.

On Monday, to the disappointment of many who were ready to break their dusk to dawn fast, the [Indonesian] Ministry of Religious Affairs announced that Eid al-Fitr would fall on Wednesday because the moon was still too low on the horizon.
VOA News

While our politicians fritter away their time on things like taxes and the deficit, here’s a government that’s got its priorities in order.

Republicans stormed into control of the House of Representatives last fall on a promise to cut spending by $100 billion this year. But instead of reducing outlays, the Republicans managed to do what all Congresses eventually do: Spend more.
Wall Street Journal

Again, repeat after me: “My congressman is an idiot.”

This sounds like a marriage made in Hell; it is—for Congress.

If you look at the people and the agendas of the two movements (the word ‘organization’ hardly applies here) they don’t appear to agree on anything.

The Tea Party is comprised of flag-waving, largely religious, Republican refugees who favor reduced taxes, a balanced budget, repeal of Obamacare, and a pragmatic environmental policy. Opposite them, Occupy Wall Street is characterized by the children and grandchildren of 60’s hippies who protest social and economic inequality, the influence of lobbyists, corporate power over government, and the impending doom of global warming.

If the members of these two groups were honest about the root cause of their displeasure, both would finger the same culprit—Congress. Our congress is an inept, corrupt institution that, almost singlehandedly, is responsible for everything that pisses both groups off. OWS and TTP don’t have to agree on anything other than throwing our current crop of career politicians to the curb.

Our country has problems. There is no consensus as to which problems are important or how to solve them. But all of us should be able to agree that we would be fools to entrust the solutions to the pack of idiots who created the problems in the first place. Throw the bastards out!

(Memo to OWS: You’d be wise to enter in to merger discussions with TTP soon. Winter is coming and those city parks are going to get friggin’ cold. Most Tea Party supporters have central heating).

I’m not much of a political forecaster but it appears that betting against Mitt Romney is as close as one can come to a Sure Thing. Romney almost certainly will not get the Republican nomination for president and, if he does, he will lose to Obama in the general election. Why? Because Romney is a Mormon.

During the past month, five different polls have addressed the question of candidates’ religion. The results:

• In a Lawrence Research survey 20 percent said they’d never consider voting for a Mormon.
• In a Gallup poll, 22 percent of Americans said they wouldn’t vote for a Mormon.
• In a Pew survey 25 percent said they’d be less likely to support a presidential candidate if he were Mormon.
• In a Poll Position survey, 32 percent of adults said they’d never support a Mormon for president.
• In a Quinnipiac survey, 36 percent said they’d be uncomfortable with a Mormon president.

Somewhere between 20 and 36 percent of Americans hold opinions ranging from “would never consider voting for a Mormon” to “being uncomfortable with a Mormon president.” With negatives like these, the Republicans would be committing political suicide if they let Romney have the nomination. A candidate can’t win an election when roughly one-quarter of the voters are opposed to him for reasons almost totally unrelated to his fitness for office. (By comparison, only about 5% of Americans would either “definitely vote for,” or “definitely not vote for” a candidate on the basis of his race).

It’s nice to know that religious bigotry is alive and well in America.

I used to be an anti-Mormon bigot myself until I realized that events like Jesus appearing in America and the translation of the Book of Mormon by peering into a hat are no more bizarre than the virgin birth or talking serpents. Once you buy into some of this shit, why not believe it all. Who are we to say that Joseph Smith is any less of an authority on God than was Isaiah?

I still have trouble with the underwear, though.

Americans don’t like the job congress is doing (or not doing). Here’s a bit of the story from the New York Times:

A record 82 percent of Americans now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job — the most since The Times first began asking the question in 1977, and even more than after another political stalemate led to a shutdown of the federal government in 1995.

More than four out of five people surveyed said that the recent debt-ceiling debate was more about gaining political advantage than about doing what is best for the country. Nearly three-quarters said that the debate had harmed the image of the United States in the world.

New York Times
August 4, 2011

Want to help improve congress? Throw out your congressman/senator every chance you get. Stick a note on your refrigerator that says, “My congressman is an idiot. In the next election I promise to vote for someone else, anyone else.”

Don’t ever remove the note. You’ll need to refer to it every two years.

The only way we can reform congress is by setting term limits. The only way we can set term limits is by refusing to vote for any incumbent. Ignore parties and ideologies. We need to break the corrupt congressional seniority system. Throw your bastard congressman out. I’ll throw mine out.

Since the first of the year the only relief we’ve had from stories about the federal budget and the debt ceiling have been the Casey Anthony trial and Killing bin Laden. Other than those brief respites of dubious entertainment we’ve had little but the posturing of various congressmen and senators, compounded by the endless comments of pundits and ‘experts.’

Our solons make it clear that their only concern in this matter is the same concern they’ve had for the past fifty years: re-election. The country be damned, the taxpayers be damned. Few of our lawmakers will risk honest dialogue, appropriate compromise, or reasoned rhetoric for fear that it may damage their chances for re-election.

Why do they yearn so for re-election? Money, power, prestige, privilege. Social scientists could write volumes analyzing the motives of those seeking or holding high elective office but we should be suspicious of anyone who aspires to be a “dedicated public servant.”

A few observations:

• Virtually no one reading this article would want one of these jobs. The people who run for congress are not normal. In no way do I intend that as a compliment.
• We should be suspicious of anyone who aspires to a job where he will be given broad powers to alter the lives of hundreds of millions. Do you have the hubris to think you’re wise enough to accomplish this? Your congressman does.
• Anyone who is truly wise enough to do this job is wise enough not to want it.
• While some congressmen have only limited assets when they enter office, they all leave rich. The longer they remain in office, the richer they become.
• If you’re like most voters you probably think your congressman and senators are OK. It’s the rest of them who are the problem. Your congressman is an idiot.

You may not have heard that US arch-enemy Osama bin Laden was greased on May 2, 2011 by special ops forces. It’s been in the papers. Most Americans have been too busy watching Dancing with the Stars to pay much attention to the story. I shall endeavor to fill in the gaps.

He was alive? Personally, I was surprised to hear that when the black ops boys found him bin Laden was alive, at least for a few seconds. Over the past decade he faded so much to irrelevance that I figured he was dead, either from kidney failure or terminal flatulence.

He didn’t have a chance! Within 24 hours, bleeding heart pussies from Cambridge to Berkeley were whining that the poor bastard was unarmed, unlike the 3000 people in the World Trade Center who were bristling with weaponry. People raised on Steven Spielberg movies think war is supposed to be a fair fight. The best way to fight a battle is to find your enemy asleep, kill him, spike his guns, and move on to the next target. Perhaps folks would feel better if we had shot bin Laden and then stuck an AK in his hands, after the fashion of some US police departments.

What a Dump! bin Laden had a large personal fortune, not to mention al Qaeda’s substantial take from the sale of Osama t-shirts, effigies of George Bush, and American flags pre-soaked in lighter fluid. And he winds up living in a “multi-million dollar compound” that would bring down property values in East LA. What did he do, hire Soviet contractors? Even those assholes in the Politburo knew enough to hire Finns when they needed decent housing.

“I see nussing; I know nussing.” In the best tradition of Colonel Klink, the Pakis are claiming they had no idea bin Laden was in town. Never mind that the “compound” was three times as large as anything else in the neighborhood and had 18-foot walls. The Pakis thought it was just another goat farm.

Already, the conspiracy theorists abound. At least they’ll quit harping about the Kennedy assassination. My favorite so far: There was a 2 1/2-mile tunnel between the bin Laden compound and the Pakistani military academy. bin Laden was running the tunnel twice a week to moderate a jihadist symposium.

His burial was “un-Islamic.” If we are to believe the claim that Islam is a “religion of peace” then Osama was about as un-Islamic as one can be. We can only hope that the Pope or Terry Jones was on board the USS Carl Vinson to kick the bastard overboard.

Speaking of burial at sea. In the hours immediately after announcing Osama’s demise, US “sources” were claiming that he was buried at sea because they feared they “would be unable to find a country to accept his body.” I can think of about a dozen countries that would love to build a bin Laden World theme park with the Great Man’s grave as the centerpiece. It would be the first attraction in the Arab world that was less than about 500 years old.

Since he was buried at sea, Osama may find that his eternal reward is 72 sturgeons.

At least the boys on the Carl Vinson marked the grave appropriately.

According to a story in The Los Angeles Times, the late Pope John Paul is on his way to sainthood:

“The Vatican said  [Pope] Benedict had approved findings by the church that John Paul had performed a miracle after his death, a prerequisite for beatification. A nun who suffered from Parkinson’s disease, as did the late pope, said she was healed of her affliction after praying to John Paul shortly after he died.”

Makes sense to me, as I am sure it does to you.

The Vatican does not disclose how many nuns (or others with Parkinson’s disease) prayed to John Paul and were not cured nor do they consider the possibility that the nun’s disease was misdiagnosed or in temporary remission.

I’ve always wanted to be a saint. Until I read this story, I didn’t know how easy it was.

I’d like for you to pray to me, Lloyd Williams, for a miracle (e.g., you win the Megabucks grand prize, the Cubs win the World Series, or your wife finally understands how to use a thermostat). If enough of you pray to me for enough miracles something improbable, but not impossible, is sure to happen.

Start praying right away and let me know when your miracle occurs. I promise not to forget the little people who helped me on the path to sainthood.